25 : Finding Happiness

Assalamualikum,

Hi, 안녕!

It has been 25th years I come and live at this whole world.

Tidak terasa 25 tahun hidup ini sebagai nanda yang seperti ini.

At this quarter, I got realized that I don't need this whole world,

All that I need is only those limited persons who made me as one of their beloved person.

Honestly, at this I don't have any words to say,

It feels like day by day, I lost my words but I found many things inside my heart

I'm being that talk less do more.

It's a bit strange but It's feeling that much better.

So, today I gave a bit time of my sunday to write some parts of me

Hope you guys can read it and take some learn or healing from this

Surabaya, Indonesia

6 월 13 일

Dear myself and all beloved persons,

Some days ago, at 8th June 2021. I was turning to 25th. I have been live at this whole world for a quarter of this century. Many things happen. Many things that I regret. Many things that I blessed. Many things that I like. Many thing that I hate. I've broke all the time. I've get up many times. I want to end this life too in a few times. Many times I blame many people. But at the end I only find out myself and back to blame my own self again and again. Honestly, it hurt me that much. I even almost lost myself. I couldn't know who I am. I couldn't see my face. Everything has been that fake life. That fake smile. That fake happiness. No cry. No tears. Everything got hold inside my heart without how to let it out. I couldn't be that brave like people say. All people words were like fake healing only. It was healing me, but only for a second. Because I got back to the reality that I should face all day. I want to be like them. I want to be like this, like that. But it made me getting lost my self only. I couldn't see the others people including the people that I like. Everything was getting dark and darker for all night by night. I was empty. I didn't know what to do. Aku pikir aku mungkin sudah mati rasa. Ini mengerikan. Sungguh.

But, I think of course It's because Allah. So, I can bring my own self back. No where I go, Allah always has beautiful ways to find me out and bring me back again. At the first, I really really didn't know what to do. I even don't know how it really began. If I can turn back time, All that I see is only that little girl that have been lost that long time. Today I don't want to see the past anymore. It has being that trouble trauma that I always afraid to comeback to me. I don't to see that lost little girl anymore. I want left her at that past. Just left her. But I know she was me. No matter how strong I am today, there are still many things in this whole world that can bring me back to see that little girl. Something that I hate the most today. If you ever know korean drama, Vincenzo ever said, Bukan bebannya yang terlalu berat tapi manusianya lah yang terlalu lemah. Sebuah kenyataan yang harus dihadapi tapi terlalu sulit untuk diakui.

At this age, I got realized that actually, I don't need that hope I only need to face the reality. Sometimes hope can give you that hope, but in others time it can only give you some pains. Some people might be tell me that this wrong. How someone can live without some hopes. How someone can run for their life without some dreams. But, Hi! Here I am. That's how I live this far. No hopes. No dreams. One I ever tried it, I always almost lost myself. It happend again and again. So, I got conclusion that I should live like this. Yeah, just like this.

But, you know what. Actually, I always getting trap in many confusion. So, all that I do first is push my self to choose one first, and run directly. The more I got confuse the more I will doubt it. And if I want to do it, i just should take that step directly. Before I really turning to 25, I did that step in many times. So, I think that are still many things that I haven't reach or done. And I always be like run and run again day by day. I turned myself being a zombie. If you know Day6 song Zombie, that was me at that time. Until one day, someone ask me. What's is my next goal in my life? What's I want again at this age? I reflective and suddenly I told her. Be happy. I just want to be happy. I told her like there is nothing that I want again. So, since at the time, I want to be a better person for myself first.

I should find out myself first. I should bring her back again. And then I should be happy first. I should find my happiness first. I'm not bad person and I don't need to be that kind bad persons like the others person that ever hurt me that much. That bad persons that always bring me back to that trouble trauma, to that scary night. I also don't need to bury the hatchet. I should learn to focus on my life. So, I decide this. My goals in this short life is only finding happiness. If I can find my happiness, so I know how to give happiness to the others people. And for those all persons that ever hurt me, It is enough just to know. I'm not belong to you all.

Today, maybe I'm only doing many things that I want that might be have been postpone all the time. So, I think I'm not that late right? I will focus to finding happiness and be happy with my all beloved persons. I think I don't need a whole this world or a whole new world, just stay in my own world and live happily ever after with all my beloved person. It's limited. Ah, I almost forget it. Some people around me don't like that I like. Including about kpop, drama and of course BTS. But I don't care about it. I always try my best to ignore it. Because even BTS also has been one of the reasons how and why I'm still alive today. They help me that much with their music and smiles. Even though, I know that might be their life could be harder than mine. They always help me to find out myself again, love myself again, and always respect the others again. I will tell you one thing, that hurt heart is usually can't be seen, but only can be feeling by those persons who ever got their heart hurt. So, that's why not all people can understand all songs, including BTS songs.

At this time and the rest of my time, I hope there is someone that will tell me '걱정마라' . Just that it. I don't need the else. Just want to be honest, I'm also have been that tired at all, at everything. All people always tell me, be the good girl I always have to be. I should care for the others first and put my own self at the last place. I should hold it. Just hold it at all. Just stay and hold it again. Every thing can be better. Every thing gonna be okay soon. So, just stay and hold it. It's okay and it's gonna be okay. Hmmnn, I have been that tired enough. So, there are many nights that I only can hug my own heart.

Today, If I have that chance to find my soulmate, I will find someone that can tell me like that, '걱정마라' He is here with me not to give me that many hopes but to face this reality together with me. Walk at the flower path together with me. I wish.

Everyone, don't you know that we are really really that precious, so that push yourself that much. Just be happy. Find your happiness. Live happily ever after. 걱정마라 , let's walk on the flower path together. Just hold my hand, I purple You #보라해 💜

#LOVEYOURSELF #RESPECTTHEOTHERS #LIFEGOESON #FROMHOME

NOTE : Hopefully, all of us can live happily ever after 💕
Drop your comments and tell your story and happiness together here~
Let's purple each others at this blog 💜

With Love,

난다 🤍

Today's Playlist

#BTSFESTA2021